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Don't Be A Lawyer

Don't Be A Lawyer
Performer(s): Jim — First Appearance: "I'm On My Own Path"
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Jack Dolgen, & Adam Schlesinger — Genre: Early '90s New Jack Swing

Quote
Don’t be a lawyer, don’t do it - quickest way to ruin your life. Don’t be a lawyer not worth it, it’ll leave you dead inside.
EndQuote
— Jim


"Don't Be A Lawyer" is a musical performance by Jim. In this song Jim tries to dissuade a pre-law student from becoming an attorney by singing about the downsides of the job. It debuted in the Season Four Episode "I'm On My Own Path."


Song and lyricsEdit

Don't Be A Lawyer - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Don't Be A Lawyer - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend


Jim:
20 years old pretty smart kid
didn’t know what I wanted to do
So I took the LSAT
and then just like that
got excepted at Glendale U.
Everyone said it
was a real safe bet
a prestigious
and lucrative vocation.
So I set on a journey
to become an attorney
without a moments hesitation.
But here’s some free advice
I’m giving
when it comes to deciding
what to do for a living!

Don’t be a lawyer, don’t do it
quickest way to ruin your life.
Don’t be a lawyer, not worth it
it’ll leave you dead inside.

The job is inherently crappy
that’s why you’ve never
met a lawyer who’s happy.
It’s a guaranteed soul destroyer.
Don’t be a lawyer!

Law school debt, daily regret...
is that what you dreamed of as a kid?
Or did your hope one day
that you’d find a way
to spend four years working on a
pharmaceutical company's merger with
another pharmaceutical company?

Your only expertise
is running up fees,
speaking legalese like a dick!
But is not too late
to avoid this fate
find any other job to pick!

Sure your parents might
think you’re a failure
But no one’s ever said
first let’s kill all the tailors!

Don’t be a lawyer!
I’m serious, it really really sucks!
Don’t be a lawyer
No one you work with
looks like Ally McBeal!

There are so many other professions
that don’t turn you into Jeff Sessions!
Just say no to the lawyer employer.
Don’t be a lawyer!

A.J:
What about human rights law?

Jim:
No money, no, no money!

A.J.:
Environmental law?

Jim:
No money, even less money!

A.J.:
Immigration law?

Jim:
No money plus it’s a bummer!

A.J:
OK, but what if one day you make it
to the Supreme Court?

Jim:
It be great to be on the Supreme Court
but you’ll never be on the Supreme Court.
There’s truly no chance of that happening.

Attorney:
The proceeding song in no way reflects
the views of CBS and The CW network.
Aw, screw it!

Jim:
See!
Don’t be a lawyer!


NotesEdit

InspirationEdit

"Don't Be A Lawyer" is an obvious homage to to the 1989 Bobby Brown song "Every Little Step" which replicates a similar upbeat tone and even borrows a few dance moves as seen in the music video.
Bobby Brown - Every Little Step

Bobby Brown - Every Little Step

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songs
Season 1 Songs

🎈 "West Covina"
🎈 "The Sexy Getting Ready Song"
🎈 "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Theme"
🎈 "I'm So Good At Yoga"
🎈 "Feelin' Kinda Naughty"
🎈 "Face Your Fears"
🎈 "I Have Friends"
🎈 "A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes"
🎈 "Settle For Me"
🎈 "Sex with a Stranger"

🎈 "I Love My Daughter"
🎈 "I'm a Good Person"
🎈 "I Give Good Parent"
🎈 "What'll It Be"
🎈 "Sexy French Depression"
🎈 "His Status is...Preferred"
🎈 "Where's the Bathroom?"
🎈 "California Christmastime"
🎈 "Women Gotta Stick Together"
🎈 "Dear Joshua Felix Chan"
🎈 "Having a Few People Over"

🎈 "Put Yourself First"
🎈 "Textmergency"
🎈 "Where Is The Rock?"
🎈 "You Stupid Bitch"
🎈 "Group Hang"
🎈 "Romantic Moments"
🎈 "Cold Showers"
🎈 "JAP Battle"
🎈 "Flooded with Justice
🎈 "Gettin' Bi"
🎈 "I'm The Villain In My Own Story"

🎈 "Dream Ghost"
🎈 "I Could If I Wanted To"
🎈 "Clean Up on Aisle 4"
🎈 "Heavy Boobs"
🎈 "I Gave You a UTI"
🎈 "Angry Mad"
🎈 "Oh My God I Think I Like You"
🎈 "After Everything I've Done For You (That You Didn't Ask For)"
🎈 "One Indescribable Instant"

Season 2 Songs

🎈 "Love Kernels"
🎈 "We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now"
🎈 "Just a Girl in Love"
🎈 "Maybe This Dream"
🎈 "Greg's Drinking Song"
🎈 "Ping Pong Girl"
🎈 "The Math of Love Triangles"

🎈 "It Was a S*** Show"
🎈 "We Tapped That Ass"
🎈 "Makey Makeover"
🎈 "Thought Bubbles"
🎈 "Triceratops Ballet"
🎈 "Friendtopia"
🎈 "Stuck in the Bathroom"
🎈 "Research Me Obsessively"

🎈 "You Go First"
🎈 "So Maternal"
🎈 "Duh!"
🎈 "Who's The New Guy?"
🎈 "George's Turn"
🎈 "We'll Never Have Problems Again"
🎈 "Remember That We Suffered"

🎈 "Santa Ana Winds"
🎈 "Let's Have Intercourse"
🎈 "You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)"
🎈 "Man Nap"
🎈 "(Tell Me I'm Okay) Patrick"
🎈 "Period Sex"
🎈 "What a Rush to Be a Bride"

Season 3 Songs

🎈 "Where's Rebecca Bunch?"
🎈 "Let's Generalize About Men"
🎈 "You Do/You Don’t Want To Be Crazy"
🎈I've Got My Head In The Clouds
🎈Strip Away My Conscience

🎈 "The Buzzing From The Bathroom"
🎈 "The Moment Is Me"
🎈I Go To The Zoo
🎈 "Scary Scary Sexy Lady"
🎈 "The End of The Movie"
🎈 "Maybe She's Not Such A Heinous Bitch After All"
🎈 "I Feel Like This Isn't About Me"

🎈A Diagnosis
🎈This Is My Movement
🎈First Penis I Saw
🎈My Friend's Dad
🎈My Sperm Is Healthy
🎈George's Coffee Song
🎈Get Your Ass Out Of My House
🎈Without Love You Can Save the World

🎈Fit Hot Guys Have Problems Too
🎈Horny Angry Tango
🎈This Session Is Going to Be Different
🎈 "Buttload Of Cats"
🎈Back In Action
🎈The Miracle of Birth
🎈Nothing is Ever Anyone's Fault

Season 4 Songs

🎈 "What’s Your Story"
🎈 "No One Else Is Singing My Song
🎈 "Maybe I'm Just Broken"
🎈 "Meet Rebecca!"
🎈 "Time To Seize The Day"
🎈 "The Cringe"
🎈 "Don't Be A Lawyer"
🎈 "Our Twisted Fate"
🎈 "I Want To Be A Child Star"
🎈 "I've Always Never Believed In You"

🎈 "The Group Mind Has Decided You're In Love"
🎈 "Trapped In A Car With Someone You Don't Want To Be Trapped In A Car With"
🎈 "Farewell, Fair Mustache"
🎈 "How To Clean Up"
🎈 "Forget It"
🎈 "If You Ever Need A Favor In Fifty Years"
🎈 "Hello, Nice To Meet You"
🎈 "What U Missed While U Were Popular"

🎈 "Hungry Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Itchy Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Funky Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Elated Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Nostalgia Cat song"
🎈 "Sports Analogies"
🎈 "Gratuitous Karaoke Moment"
🎈 "I Hate Everything But You"
🎈 "I'm Not Sad You're Sad"
🎈 "The Darkness"
🎈 "Anti-Depressants Are So Not A Big Deal"

🎈 "Real Life Fighting is Akward"
🎈 "Etta Mae's Lament"
🎈 "The Tick Tock Clock"
🎈 "I'm the Bride of the Pirate King"
🎈 "Apple Man"
🎈 "The Math of Love Quadrangles
🎈 "Slow Motion
🎈 "Love's Not A Game"
🎈 "There's No Bathroom"
🎈 "Eleven O'Clock"

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Reprises

🎈 "West Covina (I)"
🎈 "West Covina (II)"
🎈 "Settle For Me (I)"
🎈 "Settle For Me (II)"
🎈 "I'm a Good Person (silent)"
🎈 "The Sexy Gonna Do It Song"
🎈 "Trent Is Getting Ready Song"

🎈 "I Have Friends (reprise)"
🎈 "Flooded with Justice (reprise)
🎈 "I Could If I Wanted To (reprise)"
🎈 "Thought Bubbles (reprise)"
🎈 "The Math of Love Triangles (reprise)"
🎈 "Rebecca's Reprise"

🎈"After Everything You Made Me Do (That You Didn’t Ask For)"
🎈"He's The New Guy"
🎈"Face Your Fears (reprise)"
🎈"I'm Just A Boy In Love"
🎈 "One Indescribable Instant (reprise)"
🎈 "Hello, Nice To Meet You (reprise)"

🎈 "Hello, Nice To Meet You (reprise 2)"
🎈 "End of the Movie (reprise)"
🎈"What'll It Be (reprise)"
🎈"Slow Motion (reprise)"
🎈 "JAP Battle (reprise)"
🎈"Love's Not A Game (Reprise)"
🎈"West Covina (Final Reprise)"

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Album Bonus tracks

🎈 "Sex Toys"

🎈 "It's Not Difficult To Define Miss Douche"

🎈 "Santa Ana Winds 6 A.M." (Demo)

🎈 "I'm Just A Girl In Love" (featuring Adam Schlesinger)

🎈 "Settle For Her"
🎈 I'm So Happy 4 U

CharactersEpisodesLocationsCast
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