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The Very First Penis I Saw

First Penis I Saw
Performer(s): Paula Proctor — First Appearance: "Getting Over Jeff."
Written by: Rachel Bloom and Adam Schlesinger — Genre: Swedish Pop


Quote
I really was in awe of the very first penis I saw!
EndQuote
— Paula, “Getting Over Jeff.”


First Penis I Saw” is a musical number performed by Paula Proctor. In this song Paula reminisces about her first love Jeff. This song premiered during the “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” Vulturefest event on November 20, 2017. It was featured in the Season Three episode "Getting Over Jeff.

Song and lyricsEdit

First Penis I Saw - feat

First Penis I Saw - feat. Donna Lynne Champlin - 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend'

Lyrics:

Paula:
I’ve thought about him for so long.
Those memories are crystal clear.
I was so young,
he was so big and strong.
I can’t believe that he’s right here!

I was such an innocent girl
when we first met.
He opened up my eyes
showed me a whole new world...
So how could I ever forget?

The first penis I saw!

Background singers:
The first penis!
The first penis!
The first penis
Very first penis!

Paula:
The first penis I saw!

Background singers:
The first penis!
The first penis!
The first penis
Very first penis!

Paula and background singers:
The very first penis I saw!

Paula:
And of all the penises I’ve seen
his had the biggest impact
and by that what I mean is
it really made me drop my jaw
‘cause it was the very first penis I saw!

A few times before
I felt it through his pants
and just gently kind of rubbed it.
But that night I decided
to take a chance
I took it out and he really
seemed to love it!

I didn’t know what to do next
I didn’t have that part planned.
He said let me show you
some basic moves and
then he took my hand!

And taught me all about...

Paula and background singers:

His penis!
My very first penis!
First penis!
My very first penis I saw!
First penis!
My very first penis!
First penis!
Very first penis I saw!

Paula:
It’s not the dirtiest
also not the cleanest
In terms of penis
I really was the greenest.

I really was in awe
of the very first penis I saw!

I was so eager
I couldn’t have been keenest
everything about it
seemed quite ingenious!
I couldn’t find a single flaw
in the...
first penis...
very first penis...
very first penis...
I saw!


NotesEdit

InspirationEdit

“First Penis I Saw” is an homage to the music group ABBA; Additionally the performance takes a number of visual cues from the official music video of “Mamma Mia” as well as the scene from the movie adaption of the musical “Mamma Mia” which used ABBA’s music.
Abba - Mamma Mia

Abba - Mamma Mia

Rachel Bloom explained the song writing process in a Vulture interview:


I was thinking about love. It’s Paula’s high-school love. The most emotional thing I think of about love is … the first penis I saw. [Laughs.] I get emotional about that. In my case, the first penis I saw was my high-school boyfriend who ended up being gay and is now my best friend. That experience really bonded us. It was the first penis I saw and the first vagina he saw and will ever see. Sex is often very jokey, but sex is very emotional. Those moments are so, so important. One of us was like, “What if it’s an ABBA song?” Jack and I immediately started harmonizing to “Mamma Mia!” And then the ideas started pouring out.
Mamma Mia - Amanda Seyfried "Lay All Your Love On Me" OFFICIAL HD VIDEO

Mamma Mia - Amanda Seyfried "Lay All Your Love On Me" OFFICIAL HD VIDEO

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songs
Season 1 Songs

🎈 "West Covina"
🎈 "The Sexy Getting Ready Song"
🎈 "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Theme"
🎈 "I'm So Good At Yoga"
🎈 "Feelin' Kinda Naughty"
🎈 "Face Your Fears"
🎈 "I Have Friends"
🎈 "A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes"
🎈 "Settle For Me"
🎈 "Sex with a Stranger"

🎈 "I Love My Daughter"
🎈 "I'm a Good Person"
🎈 "I Give Good Parent"
🎈 "What'll It Be"
🎈 "Sexy French Depression"
🎈 "His Status is...Preferred"
🎈 "Where's the Bathroom?"
🎈 "California Christmastime"
🎈 "Women Gotta Stick Together"
🎈 "Dear Joshua Felix Chan"
🎈 "Having a Few People Over"

🎈 "Put Yourself First"
🎈 "Textmergency"
🎈 "Where Is The Rock?"
🎈 "You Stupid Bitch"
🎈 "Group Hang"
🎈 "Romantic Moments"
🎈 "Cold Showers"
🎈 "JAP Battle"
🎈 "Flooded with Justice
🎈 "Gettin' Bi"
🎈 "I'm The Villain In My Own Story"

🎈 "Dream Ghost"
🎈 "I Could If I Wanted To"
🎈 "Clean Up on Aisle 4"
🎈 "Heavy Boobs"
🎈 "I Gave You a UTI"
🎈 "Angry Mad"
🎈 "Oh My God I Think I Like You"
🎈 "After Everything I've Done For You (That You Didn't Ask For)"
🎈 "One Indescribable Instant"

Season 2 Songs

🎈 "Love Kernels"
🎈 "We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now"
🎈 "Just a Girl in Love"
🎈 "Maybe This Dream"
🎈 "Greg's Drinking Song"
🎈 "Ping Pong Girl"
🎈 "The Math of Love Triangles"

🎈 "It Was a S*** Show"
🎈 "We Tapped That Ass"
🎈 "Makey Makeover"
🎈 "Thought Bubbles"
🎈 "Triceratops Ballet"
🎈 "Friendtopia"
🎈 "Stuck in the Bathroom"
🎈 "Research Me Obsessively"

🎈 "You Go First"
🎈 "So Maternal"
🎈 "Duh!"
🎈 "Who's The New Guy?"
🎈 "George's Turn"
🎈 "We'll Never Have Problems Again"
🎈 "Remember That We Suffered"

🎈 "Santa Ana Winds"
🎈 "Let's Have Intercourse"
🎈 "You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)"
🎈 "Man Nap"
🎈 "(Tell Me I'm Okay) Patrick"
🎈 "Period Sex"
🎈 "What a Rush to Be a Bride"

Season 3 Songs

🎈 "Where's Rebecca Bunch?"
🎈 "Let's Generalize About Men"
🎈 "You Do/You Don’t Want To Be Crazy"
🎈I've Got My Head In The Clouds
🎈Strip Away My Conscience

🎈 "The Buzzing From The Bathroom"
🎈 "The Moment Is Me"
🎈I Go To The Zoo
🎈 "Scary Scary Sexy Lady"
🎈 "The End of The Movie"
🎈 "Maybe She's Not Such A Heinous Bitch After All"
🎈 "I Feel Like This Isn't About Me"

🎈A Diagnosis
🎈This Is My Movement
🎈First Penis I Saw
🎈My Friend's Dad
🎈My Sperm Is Healthy
🎈George's Coffee Song
🎈Get Your Ass Out Of My House
🎈Without Love You Can Save the World

🎈Fit Hot Guys Have Problems Too
🎈Horny Angry Tango
🎈This Session Is Going to Be Different
🎈 "Buttload Of Cats"
🎈Back In Action
🎈The Miracle of Birth
🎈Nothing is Ever Anyone's Fault

Season 4 Songs

🎈 "What’s Your Story"
🎈 "No One Else Is Singing My Song
🎈 "Maybe I'm Just Broken"
🎈 "Meet Rebecca!"
🎈 "Time To Seize The Day"
🎈 "The Cringe"
🎈 "Don't Be A Lawyer"
🎈 "Our Twisted Fate"
🎈 "I Want To Be A Child Star"
🎈 "I've Always Never Believed In You"

🎈 "The Group Mind Has Decided You're In Love"
🎈 "Trapped In A Car With Someone You Don't Want To Be Trapped In A Car With"
🎈 "Farewell, Fair Mustache"
🎈 "How To Clean Up"
🎈 "Forget It"
🎈 "If You Ever Need A Favor In Fifty Years"
🎈 "Hello, Nice To Meet You"
🎈 "What U Missed While U Were Popular"

🎈 "Hungry Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Itchy Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Funky Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Elated Vagina Metaphor"
🎈 "Nostalgia Cat song"
🎈 "Sports Analogies"
🎈 "Gratuitous Karaoke Moment"
🎈 "I Hate Everything But You"
🎈 "I'm Not Sad You're Sad"
🎈 "The Darkness"
🎈 "Anti-Depressants Are So Not A Big Deal"

🎈 "Real Life Fighting is Akward"
🎈 "Etta Mae's Lament"
🎈 "The Tick Tock Clock"
🎈 "I'm the Bride of the Pirate King"
🎈 "Apple Man"
🎈 "The Math of Love Quadrangles
🎈 "Slow Motion
🎈 "Love's Not A Game"
🎈 "There's No Bathroom"
🎈 "Eleven O'Clock"

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Reprises

🎈 "West Covina (I)"
🎈 "West Covina (II)"
🎈 "Settle For Me (I)"
🎈 "Settle For Me (II)"
🎈 "I'm a Good Person (silent)"
🎈 "The Sexy Gonna Do It Song"
🎈 "Trent Is Getting Ready Song"

🎈 "I Have Friends (reprise)"
🎈 "Flooded with Justice (reprise)
🎈 "I Could If I Wanted To (reprise)"
🎈 "Thought Bubbles (reprise)"
🎈 "The Math of Love Triangles (reprise)"
🎈 "Rebecca's Reprise"

🎈"After Everything You Made Me Do (That You Didn’t Ask For)"
🎈"He's The New Guy"
🎈"Face Your Fears (reprise)"
🎈"I'm Just A Boy In Love"
🎈 "One Indescribable Instant (reprise)"
🎈 "Hello, Nice To Meet You (reprise)"

🎈 "Hello, Nice To Meet You (reprise 2)"
🎈 "End of the Movie (reprise)"
🎈"What'll It Be (reprise)"
🎈"Slow Motion (reprise)"
🎈 "JAP Battle (reprise)"
🎈"Love's Not A Game (Reprise)"
🎈"West Covina (Final Reprise)"

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Album Bonus tracks

🎈 "Sex Toys"

🎈 "It's Not Difficult To Define Miss Douche"

🎈 "Santa Ana Winds 6 A.M." (Demo)

🎈 "I'm Just A Girl In Love" (featuring Adam Schlesinger)

🎈 "Settle For Her"
🎈 I'm So Happy 4 U

CharactersEpisodesLocationsCast
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