Rebecca:
I try to be good to others,
Treat my fellow men like brothers and sisters.
That’s the story I’m the hero in,
So how come I can’t zero in
On why this song sounds so sinister?
Oh my God…
I’m the villain in my own story,
I’m the witch in my own tale.
Though I insist I’m the protagonist,
It’s clear that my soul is up for sale.
I’m the villain in my own story,
The bad guy in my TV show.
I’m the “who” in the “whodunit,”
When I go to hell I’ll run it,
As Satan’s CFO!
He needs someone to do the books.
Actually, I shouldn’t do that,
I’m terrible with money.
But wait, how am I a villain?
I give annually to UNICEF,
And just last week
I helped a lady cross the street,
Who was super old and deaf.
Wait, where am I?
Ah, a bird!
I'm the villain in my own story,
I’m the bitch in the corner of the poster,
I’m the figure in the doorway
or the Kraken up in Norway,
God who is this song’s composer?
It’s like ridiculously sinister—like redunkuously sinister.
Rebecca:
(Evil laugh)
Well, well, well, looks like I’ve got you now, Valencia.
Valencia:
What do you want to do with me, you evil witch queen?
I am but a humble yoga instructor.
Rebecca:
Oh what I want is your boyfriend!
Valencia:
Not Prince Josh! Anything but Prince Josh!
Why are you doing this? I’m Kate Hudson.
Rebecca:
We’re doing the witch and the princess thing, okay?
Just go with it.
Valencia:
Okay, so fine, I’m the princess.
Why, why are you doing this to me?
Rebecca:
Because I am jealous of you and your life!
You’re so skinny, and Josh is so perfect,
and I want to take it all for myself.
And now I’ll cook you into
the traditional dish of dinuguan
and serve it to Josh’s family.
(evil laugh)
Valencia:
No!
Rebecca:
(evil laugh)
Valencia:
No! No, no!
Rebecca:
(evil laugh)
Neighbor:
Hey, shut up!
Rebecca:
I’m the villain in my own story,
My actions have gone way too far.
I told myself that I was Jasmine,
But I realize now I’m Jafar.
We’re told love conquers all,
But that only applies to the hero.
Is the enemy what I’m meant to be?
Is being the villain my destiny?
