JAP Battle Performer(s): Rebecca and Audra (with Darryl, Paula, Josh and lawyers) — First Appearance: "Josh and I Go to Los Angeles!" Written by: Zach Sherwin, Adam Schlesinger and Rachel Bloom
Summary[]
A Jewish American Princess...Daughters of privilege...
Audra Levine: This is real deep beef from way back in the past. Deeper than I'll put a foot up in the crack of your ass.
Come on, let's do this. Your little pals can witness how vicious this Westchester alpha bitch is. I'm straight up malicious, a verbal curb stomper. Since we were toddlers, I've studied every chink in your armor and between your folks' divorce and that haircut on ya I'm really not sure which one's the bigger shondeh!
Rebecca: That means "disgrace." I'm translating for the Goys.
Our life lines have been parallel like corduroys! But now we'll see whose bars will prevail in this beef of two hard-as-nails Shebrews from Scarsdale!
Rebecca: Look: academically, you could never catch me. You were close, but no match scholastically. No how, no way. I put the "O.G" in "5.0 GPA!"
Audra Levine: Well speaking of which, are you AP graded? Cause these days, You look a bit heavily weighted. And all your book-crackin' don't make up for the fact that I'm strapped with that killer instinct that you lack.
Sweetheart, here's what you're not understanding: I'm street smart.
Rebecca: You mean 'cause you minored In urban planning? Bitch! I know you, that tough act's a bluff. So sheket bevaka SHUT THE HELL UP!!
Audra Levine: Your temper! You lost it! Aw! Cute! Like you're gonna lose this lawsuit! Keeping your pie-hole shut would be quite wise though you kept it open wide for the A.E. Pi-guys!
Rebecca: And I banged your hedge-fund manager fiancée! Back in college over Winter holidays. Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball and honestly, I gotta say: Really not hot all. Finished quick, rotten lay.
Darryl, Paula, & Josh: This is...
Rebecca: ... a JAP battle!
New York Lawyers: Bane of my existence...
Rebecca: You're ryhmes are facile!
Audra Levine: From Golden's Bridge...
Rebecca: ...to North Castle.
Audra Levin & Rebecca: Wipe you off the map in this JAP battle rap!
Audra Levine: Bunch, you're a curse, you're a blight we were frenemies at first spite! Think your verse is tight? Then you're trippin' like birthright. I'll wipe the mirth right off your fugly mug and fill you full of slugs like a straight up thug!
Rebecca: Uh, that word is racist. Someone ought to tell you. Like me! I belong to the ACLU.
Audra Levine: Spare me. I'm a card-carrying member. Plus I spent a semester in Kenya, remember?
Rebecca: Well, I volunteered in Ghana.
Audra Levine: Well I guess that makes us equal.
Rebecca: Well it's settled then:
Audra Levine & Rebecca: We're both cool with black people.
Audra Levine: Cause we're liberals.
Rebecca: Duh! Progressive as hell.
Audra Levine & Rebecca: Though of course I support Israel.
Rebecca: Audra. Wait. We share so many traits. Should we shake hands and erase the hate created by our mothers pitting us against each other for accolades and grades? We were egged on like Seder plates!
Audra Levine:
... Nah.
In summation, you left New York for this sunburn shtetl. And now you're like "Oh Audra, Let's settle." You wanna get salty like the dead sea? Word. Better call off this suit or you're dead C-word.
Explicit version[]
Lyrics:
Audra Levine: This is real deep beef from way back in the past. Deeper than I'll put a foot up in the crack of your ass.
Come on, let's do this. Your little pals can witness how vicious this Westchester alpha bitch is. I'm straight up malicious, a verbal curb stomper. Since we were toddlers, I've studied every chink in your armor and between your folks' divorce and that haircut on ya I'm really not sure which one's the bigger shondeh!
Rebecca: That means "disgrace." I'm translating for the Goys.
Our life lines have been parallel like corduroys! But now we'll see whose bars will prevail in this beef of two hard-as-nails Shebrews from Scarsdale!
Rebecca: Look: academically, you could never catch me. You were close, but no match scholastically. No how, no way. I put the "O.G" in "5.0 GPA!"
Audra Levine: Well speaking of which, are you AP graded? Cause these days, You look a bit heavily weighted. And all your book-crackin' don't make up for the fact that I'm strapped with that killer instinct that you lack.
Sweetheart, here's what you're not understanding: I'm street smart.
Rebecca: You mean 'cause you minored In urban planning? Bitch! I know you, that tough act's a bluff. So sheket bevaka SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Audra Levine: Your temper! You lost it! Aw! Cute! Like you're gonna lose this lawsuit! But here's one category where you no rival: Blowing frat guys with your A.E. Pi-Hole!
Rebecca: And I banged your hedge-fund manager fiancée! Back in college over Winter holidays. Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball and honestly I gotta say: Really not hot at all. Small dick, rotten lay.
Darryl, Paula, & Josh: This is...
Rebecca: ... a JAP battle!
New York Lawyers: Bane of my existence...
Rebecca: You're an asshole!
Audra Levine: From Golden's Bridge...
Rebecca: ...to North Castle.
Audra Levin & Rebecca: Wipe you off the map in this JAP battle rap!
Audra Levine: Bunch, you're a curse, you're a blight we were frenemies at first spite! Think your verse is tight? Then you're trippin' like birthright. I'll wipe the mirth right off your fugly mug and fill you full of slugs like a straight up thug!
Rebecca: Uh, that word is racist. Someone ought to tell you. Like me! I belong to the ACLU.
Audra Levine: Spare me. I'm a card-carrying member. Plus I spent a semester in Kenya, remember?
Rebecca: Well, I volunteered in Ghana.
Audra Levine: Well I guess that makes us equal.
Rebecca: Well it's settled then:
Audra Levine & Rebecca: We're both cool with black people.
Audra Levine: Cause we're liberals.
Rebecca: Duh! Progressive as hell.
Audra Levine & Rebecca: Though of course I support Israel.
Rebecca: Audra. Wait. We share so many traits. Should we shake hands and erase the hate created by our mothers pitting us against each other for accolades and grades? We were egged on like Seder plates!
Audra Levine:
... Nah.
In summation, you left New York for this fuckin' shtetl. And now you're like "Oh Audra, Let's settle." You wanna get salty like the dead sea? Word. Better call off this suit or you're dead C-word.
Notes[]
Jewish vocabulary[]
Shondeh: As Rebecca points out it means disgrace, shame or scandal of some kind.
Goy: Anyone who is not Jewish.
Sheket bevaka(sha): Hebrew for be quiet.
Matzo Ball: An annual Christmas Eve party for young Jewish professionals.
Seder plates: Traditional plates used for Passover Seder; hard roasted boiled eggs called "Beitzah" are served on them.
Shtetl: A small Jewish village in Eastern Europe; sounds similar to a crass American expression regarding an unfavorable place.
Birthright: Audra raps "trippin' like Birthright" which alludes to Birthright Israel, a not-for-profit educational organization that sponsors free ten-day heritage trips to Israel for Jewish young adults, aged 18–26.
Locations mentioned[]
Westchester is a county in New York which is known for having wealthy and affluent residents.
Scarsdale is a town and village located in Westchester County in the northern suburbs of New York.
Golden's Bridge is a hamlet in Westchester County located inside the town of Lewisboro.
North Castle is another town in Westchester County smaller than Scarsdale and without any villages.
Dead Sea is a sea in Israel, and one of the world's saltiest bodies of water. Audra sings "get salty like the dead sea" because of the sea's high concentration of salt.
Live performances[]
PopFest[]
Rachel Bloom and Rachel Grate are known to have performed "JAP Battle" live on two different occasions. One was for a special one night show Rachel Bloom had on May 18, 2016 at the Largo nightclub in Los Angeles. The other was for an Entertainment Weekly 2016 PopFest event in which the cast was invited to attend.
Live tour[]
During the 2018 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Live tour, Rachel Bloom performed the song in Los Angeles. She was joined by show co-creator and co-showrunner Aline Brosh McKenna replacing Rachel Grate.
