The Miracle of Birth Performer(s): Paula Proctor — First Appearance: "Nathaniel Is Irrelevant." Written by: Adam Schlesinger, Rachel Bloom
Youβll think βWhatβs it really worth?β All that for the miracle of birth!
— Paula
"The Miracle of Birth" was a musical performance by Paula Proctor. In this song Paula tells Heather what to expect when having a baby. The song's first appearance was in the Season Three episode "Nathaniel Is Irrelevant."
The Miracle Of Birth - feat. Donna Lynne Champlin - 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend'
Lyrics:
Of all the mystery and wonder
and beauty on this earth.
Nothing can compare to
the miracle of birth.
Well your cervix has been closed
and plugged with mucus.
But soon that fiscus plug
will be discharged.
Itβs called βbloody show.β
And explosive diarrhea
means that labors drawing nearer
and those sharp painful contractions
cause your cervix enlarge.
Beautiful!
Then you race your ass
over to the hospital.
Where theyβll strap you in
for the hell ride of your life.
Itβs what your bodyβs made for.
Youβll soon be in so much pain
that youβll probably exclaim
βPlease just kill me now,
doctor, dula or midwifeβ.
Tear, tear, tear
goes your vagina!
Never will it be
itβs cute little self again.
But the good news is
If you have a few more kids
the rest will basically
plop right out.
After hours and hours
of utter torture.
You may poop yourself and or
throw up as you bear down.
Cause youβre a goddess!
And though youβve never
been this tired - Wait!
Here comes the ring of fire,
thatβs your vagina bursting
into flames as the head
starts to crown.
Burn, burn, burn
goes your vagina!
And youβll curse and scream
until you hear a cry!
Itβs your baby!
And oops there it went-a,
that was the placenta,
which you must expel
or you will surely die!
When itβs all over they place
the baby on your breast.
You may be happy for a moment
but then for months youβll be depressed.
Cuz youβve wrecked your life and body.
Youβll think βWhatβs it really worth?β
All that for the miracle of birth!