The Miracle of Birth Performer(s): Paula Proctor — First Appearance: "Nathaniel Is Irrelevant." Written by: Adam Schlesinger, Rachel Bloom — Genre: Folk
You’ll think ‘What’s it really worth?’ All that for the miracle of birth!
— Paula
"The Miracle of Birth" was a musical performance by Paula Proctor. In this song Paula tells Heather what to expect when having a baby. The song's first appearance was in the Season Three episode "Nathaniel Is Irrelevant."
The song with lyrics[]
Lyrics:
Of all the mystery and wonder
and beauty on this earth
Nothing can compare to
the miracle of birth.
Well your cervix has been closed
and plugged with mucus.
But soon that viscous plug
will be discharged.
It’s called ‘bloody show.’
And explosive diarrhea
means that labor’s drawing nearer
and those sharp painful contractions
cause your cervix to enlarge.
Beautiful!
Then you’ll race your ass
over to the hospital.
Where they’ll strap you in
for the hell ride of your life.
It’s what your body’s made for.
You’ll soon be in so much pain
that you’ll probably exclaim
‘Please just kill me now,
doctor, doula or midwife’.
Tear, tear, tear
goes your vagina!
Never will it be
its cute little self again.
But the good news is
If you have a few more kids
the rest will basically
plop right out.
After hours and hours
of utter torture,
You may poop yourself and/or
throw up as you bear down.
Cause you’re a goddess!
And though you’ve never
been this tired - Wait!
Here comes the ring of fire,
that’s your vagina bursting
into flames as the head
starts to crown.
Burn, burn, burn
goes your vagina!
And you’ll curse and scream
until you hear a cry!
It’s your baby!
And oops there it went-a,
that was the placenta,
which you must expel
or you will surely die!
When it’s all over they place
the baby on your breast.
You may be happy for a moment
but then for months you’ll be depressed
Cuz you’ve wrecked your life and body.
You’ll think ‘What’s it really worth?’
All that for the miracle of birth!
